they're right about limerence
I know you are tired of hearing that word but I experienced it fairly recently so hear me out
I use they/them pronouns in this not as a marker of gender or nongender of my crush but simply because I will never share blatantly identifiable information or anything that will help people “guess”
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I want to start by saying I am not here to therapize (is that a word?) you. I am not here with a solution. I am here to say, if you are someone who does or has experienced limerence, I get you on like a molecular level, and I fear some of the girlies online are right.1
I recently experienced a bout of limerence. That is how I am framing it because thankfully I am no longer stuck in the loop, but I was in it, it was intense, and I am ready to talk about it because I feel far enough away from it.
Daydreaming has been an incredible safety tactic throughout my life, and may be not as useful in certain scenarios as an adult.
Last year I developed a crush! It was a slow process—it has a been a slow process. I am still crushing on this person, and just kind of swimming through the feelings with ease for now. But a crush! How fun—it felt super fun at the beginning. I am not going to pour too much detail into this because the line I will draw is any identifiable information [always like even if got married!] but woohoo crush!
My crush, to my knowledge, is none-the-wiser. Currently, I am totally fine with that. But it took work to get there. Again this crush started off so fun and so low stakes. I enjoyed being around them. I enjoyed talking to them. I enjoyed any interaction we had because it felt so easy. I told friends about this crush! And it was fun! Giggling and talking about our interactions with teen-like excitement. My thoughts turned to sweet daydreams of being brave and revealing my feelings and having them reciprocated, moving at the same sweet pace this crush has developed, etc etc…
It was so fun and tender, until it was not.
If you are someone who grew up similarly to me, crushes have unfortunately always been high stakes. If you were someone bullied in your adolescence, a crush was a volatile experience swinging from “I hope no one finds out” to “I hope my crush acknowledges my existence today.” You wanted no one to find out, while simultaneously begging and praying your crush knew and would be completely different from everyone who tormented you. In your daydreams they were kind and reciprocated your feelings. Hell, maybe they even saved you and called everyone out for being terrible, almost like a prince charming [gender neutral].
It was not the giddy picturesque experience we see in media —having a crush as the fat kid, the awkward kid, [for me] one of the only Black kids was a traumatizing canon event.
Daydreaming about my crushes was the only safe space to experience my feelings. So, daydreaming became the safe space to play through scenarios. These scenarios became the place where I could control the action and reactions of others. Daydreaming can be a space of safety, until the daydreams bled into your interactions and your perception of the world around you. For me, daydreaming turned into limerence. Limerence is obsessive, impulsive, and for someone who views/ed [I am working on it] romantic desire as something so high stakes, it is emotionally unsafe.
My aim or intent will never be to vilify the things that have kept me safe, but the limerence loop is not a space of emotional safety.
What was once fun dreamy thoughts became a projection of my hopes and wishes onto this person who did not agree or consent to any of it. Instead of dreaming about maybe a first kiss or tender moment my thoughts became a hyper-fixation on every single interaction we had.
Does this mean they like me? Does this mean they are never going to be interested? Should I tell them? Should I not tell them? Am I reading into this incorrectly? Should I be reading into this at all? Do I look okay before I see them?
You could argue those thoughts and questions are totally normal for a crush and I will concede. Sure some anxiety is normal when you have a crush, but those thoughts did not stop there. The silly questions became:
What do my friends think, do they think they like me? Hey xyz, did you see that—do you think that means they like me? Repeatedly asking: Should I tell them? Should I not tell them? Am I reading into this incorrectly? Should I be reading into this at all? Do I look okay before I see them?
Again, maybe you read that and think, “no big deal.” I will definitely argue against that, but let’s go tit-for-tat as I try to show you the escalation because the final boss becomes:
How do I make myself more attractive to them? How do I change what I do to be more attractive to them? How do I do something different (and often inconvenient) to be around them more? What if I did less xyz, do you think they would like me then? I should change xyz. I should do xyz different. Am I xyz enough to even get someone like them to like me? They have to like me. I need them to like me. I need this to work out the way that I want. This has to go exactly how I want.
Are you suffocating? Because I am. I was. I was suffocating myself with my own thoughts and with bargaining with the universe. I became an emotionally unsafe space for me.
Everything you think about them is in fact a reflection of you. Like for real.
I was drowning in a monsoon of my own making. I began questioning and putting into consideration the things that make me, me in favor of hopefully getting this person’s attention? desire? romantic interest? I quite literally was setting myself up to abandon my existence for someone else—who again has no idea how I feel!
I put them on a pedestal without their consent. I spent so much time thinking about them and them only. I was begging the universe for them [again no consent]. Just them them them them. I was nonexistent.
And I have been in relationships where I was nonexistent. I ended my last relationship because I saw my existence no longer being considered. In what world would I want things to workout when I am functioning from a space of anxiety and self abandonment?! I wouldn’t. I would want it to come from the space with which my crush started not the space I found myself in at this time.
I could feel that and so I started to rationalize my thoughts by saying it’s because they’re so kind, they’re so involved, they seem to have similar values, they’re so beautiful, they’re so easy to talk to, there’s this gravitational pull to be around them, they’re so easy to be around, I like myself around them.
I still think all of these things about them! To this day! But none of that is a justification to abandon myself. This is just a crush, ya know? We have not really intentionally engaged in deep “get to know you conversation.” These things I think and feel about them are all of my perception, and my perception is based loosely in fact but largely overwhelmingly in projection.
Limerence is deeply based in projection. And what is being projected is things you like about you. What I was projecting was ideals and qualities I like about me. I am so involved. I am beautiful. Others have told me I am easy to talk to, and there’s a gravitational pull to be around me.
Limerence started to clash with my concept of autonomy for my crush—even though this is just a scene in my head—it simply did not align. Limerence started to clash with my intention to begin relationships from a place of showing up for myself first and foremost. Limerence clashed against my desire to get to know them, like actually know them and engage with them.
Limerence and daydreaming are simply put, tools that work for me anymore for me to be fully present for myself, to show up as myself. They simply did not align with the ease, sweetness, and authenticity I felt developing this crush.
That’s not how I want to know them and that’s not how I want to treat them, or myself.
It was truly like dunking my head in a tub of cold water.
What was I doing? And how did I get here?
I got here as someone who struggles immensely with rejection especially with romantic interests. I am someone who used daydreaming and limerence to create scenarios in which I revealed myself to crushes in my adolescence and I wasn’t rejected for things I could not control [race, anything to do with my physical appearance, the way I laugh, so many hurtful things].
Limerence used to keep me safe. Which is so bizarre so say but reflecting on my youth, leaning into that truly protected my heart from comments and rejection that without a doubt would have hurt, at a time where I did not have access to self soothing and self esteem building tools.
I can thank my brain for this protection tactic and the way it aided my survival, and know when I need to put it down. And limerence, I am setting you down.
Limerence is not the same for everyone but I do strongly believe that projection is a giant part of it. And that’s why I say the girls are right. I would bet my cat’s life that the things you like about this person are a projection of some of your best qualities. Not saying your crush does not possess them, but this deep obsession you’re feeling is taking up all the space and air and love you should be feeling for yourself.
And if you do decide to tell them, and they do feel similarly, you’re what? Going to start a relationship by anxiously abandoning yourself? Sounds like a set up for failure, if I am being completely honest.
Understanding this helped. Telling friends, “hey I think I am not doing well—I think this daydreaming is doing more harm than good,” helped. Straight up saying, “bitch is this limerence?!” HELPED! Not engaging with them, HELPED. Space offers clarity that I think sometimes social media robs us of—so I urge you to not only find space but to take it, straight up.
I still have a crush, and it feels sweet again. Like a berry that bursts in your mouth with the best ratio of sweet and bitter. My love for myself ripens those berries, and is what keeps my hands in the bowl, plucking sweets as they come.
I can’t say everyone can break limerence without also having to give up whatever relationship they have to their crush. But I do think reminding yourself that you are in fact the tree, the center, the root that grows the berries. How sweet, how bitter, and how viable the fruit is all dependent on your health, your growth, your existence.
Metaphor, metaphor, analogy. You are the center and the focus of it all. Anchor yourself in that.
Sending you so much love, and guess what it’s all worth it in the end because
WE ALWAYS KEEP MOVING! xoxo
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🔗 LINKS:
Treatment of Limerence Using a Cognitive Behavioral Approach: A Case Study
What Is Limerence, the Not-So-Desirable Dating Trend Du Jour?
Exploring the LivedExperience of Limerence: A Journey toward Authenticity
Is It Love or Limerence? Here’s How To Tell the Difference via Cleveland Clinic
Ooooof. Thank you for this.
oh my god i’ve been experiencing the same thing!!! and been feeling like im losing myself and my mind so firstly, THANK YOU. this made me feel less alone. i won’t ever be able to tell mine how i feel about them because they’re in a relationship and there’s too much at stake and i have a similar fear of rejection and inclinations of never doing anything about my very big feelings. but this post is something i will definitely come back to again to remind myself that everything will be ok and that i am in fact …the tree! :)