I know love exists and yet...
How we are socially and culturally failing those seeking romantic partnership
As I write this, It is January 2, 2025 and we are all collectively being inundated with ways we can start the new year off on the “right foot.” I am being shown how to lose 100 pounds through a weekly injection because my adrenal fatigue and cortisol face are hideous. Five different people are showing me the 20 journals I should have to correctly manifest the love of my dreams (usually this is a man because somehow all the big accounts are painfully straight). And last but not least I need to get rid of my whole entire closet because capsule, ballet, mob wife aesthetics are the new trend.
I am being a bit facetious, but the start of the year is like an endless cycle of self improvement with the notion of completely abandoning the person you have been in the name of “being the best you.” These messages I have grown use to, and I have started to become better at choosing what aligns with me and what does not.
Something new I have noticed however, on January 2, 2025 is…Valentine’s Day. Over 40 days until this “holiday” and I am opening my eyes on the second day of the year to every store, all brands, and even creators already peddling Valentine’s Day merchandise, content, and ideas. On the second day of the year I should be preparing to make (an often heavily capitalistic) declaration of love.
Do we not find it interesting we can publicly declare our love of someone but to publicly declare you desire romantic love and intimacy is “embarrassing?”
No seriously. It is so funny and cute to hard launch your new partner, soft launch in your stories you and your [insert random word that plays at being nonchalant some how] here, and you can even write about your experiences dating—people love salacious dating stories and stories about how you “ghosted someone for xyz.” We as a society generally boost that content without a second thought—offering congratulations, laughs, likes, AITA centered podcasts, DMs and more.
But someone says, “I am seeking romantic partnership,” and suddenly there is something grossly wrong with them, they clearly have no friends, and they just do not love themselves enough.
And I am being so serious, what the fuck is up with that?!
You’re telling me a society that has focused so heavily on the “nuclear family” unit. The “white picket fence with 2.5 children and a mini van” has the audacity to laugh in the face of people seeking romantic partnership?
What fucking gives?!
We’re supposed to center self love and platonic love, but not so much that it makes us hyper-independent, we are supposed to put ourselves out there and be upfront and attract what we are looking for, but not scare the hoes. We are supposed to want and desire something, but not talk about it. We are supposed to jump through hoops, breathe fire, and do a split—all things I know coupled people tell us to do, to find a partner, meanwhile all they did was stumble into a grocery store and find the partner of their dreams.
And I don’t air this frustration just because I see this—and though romantic partnership is still not my focus—it is still hard to hear, and see friends of mine, or people who reach out to me, feel deep shame about wanting something we are all allowed to desire, and are more than worthy of receiving.
And I mean shame. Not embarrassed and not awkward but deep shame, and let me remind you shame is not just a “feeling” shame is based in our very basic beliefs of ourselves and how we view the world. Shame and a belief of being “bad” or “unworthy” are like fraternal twins—they inextricably linked.
It breaks my heart to see anyone question themselves for simply wanting something so human—something they are worthy of not matter what.
It frustrates me because I know the feeling of saying, “I have so much in the life I have built and I feel like I have had to sacrifice romantic partnership to get here,” and have someone laugh in your face. 1 So, I share this to say, it’s okay and I understand your frustration and I don’t have a solution for you, unfortunately, other than to not give up on the love you have in yourself and the love you show others.
It’s okay to be frustrated that you wake up on the 2nd day of the year already being reminded of—maybe even taunted by the thing that seems to evade you.
Shame won’t be the way you find it. I don’t know how you will find it. And even if and when I find it for myself, I still won’t have the answer for you. Romantic love is luck-based. You are lucky to meet someone. You are lucky to meet someone aligned with you. You are lucky to meet someone who is loving and accepting of any changes through time you experience. You are lucky to find someone who shows up everyday to put in the work required to be in intimate relationship with you.
It’s all fucking luck. And has never and will never until the end of time have anything to do with your worthiness.
When this goes live it will be January 22nd. Twenty solid days of Valentine’s Day centered marketing reaching us from all corners of social society. The campaigns will only get more intense, have more dollars behind them, and the offshoots of events for singles will start rolling out as a band-aid for your feelings. I encourage you to go and I encourage you to not say, “it’s okay I will do xyz as a filler or replacement.” I want you to go because you should shower yourself with love and I enjoy any opportunity to do that, and I want you to go and be sad if you are sad.
It is the most human thing on earth to desire a relationship that comes with romantic, physical, sexual, spiritual, and emotional intimacy all-in-one.
So, while the talking candy hearts are available at a second’s notice, and you are being invited to many palentine’s day events [never on Valentine’s Day because most people around you are partnered], love yourself by letting yourself desire things. Love yourself but letting yourself feel sad, discouraged, frustrated or whatever array of emotions come with the day.
I know, you know love exists. I believe it exists for you. I believe in your right to want it, to desire it, and to seek it out.
I want it. I desire romantic intimacy. I know generally the qualities I am seeking in my future partnership—and I am excited for my time to experience it. And I believe it is coming soon.
I hope my admission allows you the permission to want it—and admit it yourself. If you feel you cannot share your desire with anyone else, know you always can with me. I will never laugh at you, or tell you the answer is “xyz.” All I will say is learning to let go of the shame makes more space for when that loves comes to you.
And for those of you who are in romantic relationships—or maybe you “don’t care” about that for now or forever…
I beg of you, please stop failing your single seeking friends. It shows such a level of vulnerability and trust for someone to tell you their hopes and desires. And what an honor it is to be entrusted with something so personal, and to be able to witness someone in that moment. Please do not ruin it with quippy diatribes of “you’ll find it when you least expect it” or even worse laughter and disregard. Hold them in this moment, offer them the comfort and safety needed to be so seen, be an ear, and if they need it remind them how worthy they are by just existing.
Be kind to yourself as we move into the intense time of endless diamond commercials, deals on roses, and for some of us waiting for February 15th for that discount chocolate. And never forget that Valentine’s Day was a day that Christians co-opted from a bloody pagan ritual of fertility, LOL!2
As long as I keep on moving…
Links & Videos
Authors Note: If you have at any point laughed at me when I have expressed frustration or my desire for romantic partnership please know—I have talked about you in therapy, I have forgiven you, and I am happy to discuss how to reestablish safety if you wish to be someone I can be vulnerable with! If not —that’s okay just please don’t do that to anyone else!
This is so validating. I’ve been what I call “single single” for a while now and I feel this need to be so anti-romance while I focus on me but the reality is I love love and intimacy and do ultimately want to find someone I align with. But it feels embarrassing to speak on. Thanks for this!
wow i felt this so heavily. yesterday i went to the mall and i walked past bath and body works, which looked like cupid threw the fuck up all over it. for a moment i was sad because i wished someone would go in there and smell the scents, contemplating if it encapsulates me and my essence. it sucks seeing it plastered everywhere, almost mocking me like you said