Am I Allowed to Do This?
NO DATING DIARIES 'Cause that's just what I want! Yes, the MUNA song is playing in my headphones while I write this
Disclaimer: Um dear my future boo, you don’t have to have all of these qualities! (But I think you will tbh)
“Okay Bee, I know you’re not dating and you’re focusing on other forms of relationship building, but like what do you want.”
I am not typing that to be facetious I get that question quite often from friends or people who are now keeping up with my No Dating Diaries. And I don’t mind the question at all—in fact I think right now is the best time to be thinking about that!
First, just because I am not centering dating or letting it be something on my priority/interest list right now does not mean I am closed off from making romantic connections.
I will start there…again..because everyone is taking that as absolutely no dating whatsoever—I am just going to point you back to the framework post and the importance of me not prioritizing it right now. I am just trying to live and connect and prioritize my connection to myself and my emotions right now which has made developing new relationships feel a lot more safe.
That being said, in this moment of pause I am thinking about what I would like in a future partner. What my desire for relationship could look like and what standards I will hold myself to. Please note I began writing this post on 11/26/2024 and then this message (below) popped up on my co star 12/07/2024. So, since I am not one to ignore the universe multiple times, I picked up my pen and began writing.
Some things I am thinking about the next time I begin developing a romantic relationship:
Do I even like them?
How about I consider if I like them more vs if they like me.
Do I like how I show up for myself when I am around them?
I know this sounds like “no shit Sherlock” to many of you—but my attachment has historically manifested in me doing everything I can to make sure some else likes me—with little regard to whether or not I like them—or like myself when I am with them. Am I still showing up for myself? Am I maintaining and respecting my own boundaries? Am I performing for them? I have never asked myself those questions in real time.
What type of connection are they looking for and are they upfront about it?
The next time I pursue someone or someone pursues me, my intention is to climb the relationship escalator, and be together as partners. I am just going to be so straightforward about that. That doesn’t mean I am against hook ups etc. But as two adults I absolutely need us both to be upfront about how we are engaging each other. No dicey language, no reading inbetween the lines, clarity and honesty is so painfully important.
What are my communication expectations?
I am not interested in talking to someone I am seeing 24/7, 365. Let me just say that right now. However I do have an expectation of consistent communication. What that consistency looks like is negotiable.
How often do we spend time together?
I am not interested in being with someone I am seeing 24/7, 365. I love my alone time way too much. But I am also not interested in the bulk of our relationship building to be via phone. I keep a rule of thumb to not inconvenience myself for them regularly and ensure I am maintaining my hobbies and friendships and want them to do the same. I want us to have alone time, friend time, and together time.
How do I make a space of mutual respect for the boundaries we are presenting?
I have dated people—who were mad I expected things from them. And…I am not sure what to tell some of you— idgaf if the relationship is romantic, platonic, or purely sexual—it is in fact, a relationship and relationships with other human beings inherently come with expectations. If you cannot meet them, that is one thing. But being upset I expect anything at all…absurd.
Do they have community?
I understand how hard it is to make connections and there are factors for why people may not have community, but I actually find that to be a very important part of my romantic relationships. I do not want to be everything to someone, ever. I want you to have deep, loving, intimate relationships with other people. I want to know you have an understanding of what platonic love, conflict, and resolution looks like. I want you to have a sounding board for your thoughts, hopes, desires, and frustrations beyond me. I want that for my future partner as much as I value that for myself. Community can be a whole bunch of people and/or just 1-2 people—I am not the arbiter of what that looks like I just need my future partner to have one.
Are they generous with their compliments and consideration?
I love flirting with the people I am dating. I want to tell you I think you’re gorgeous and brilliant and funny and… If you express ways you like to be loved and cared for and it is in my realm of feasibility I will do it without a second thought. I want reciprocity in that regard. …I think I have begged for flowers 100 times at this point from partners and I haven’t even gotten those.
Are they willing to show up and be brave?
Most important of all. Will they discuss 1-7 with me? Will they discuss their fears and hesitations with me? Will they move slowly and intentionally to build our relationship? Will they resist the urge to avoid hard conversations? Will they respect my boundaries? Will they—with regard to how terrifying everything I just listed can be—be present and show up for themselves, for me, and for “us.”
…read a more thorough out “list” below…
I titled this Am I Allowed to Do This because so much of my life was believing I should just accept whatever scraps or bare minimum someone else could offer me. As the eldest daughter, my expectation was to pour so much into others that they would eventually date me because I gave them everything. The religious trauma made me believe a man (eugh I am very much a dyke but I was taught what I was taught, ya know) would find me “good enough” to marry. Growing up fat made me believe I should be so lucky someone finds me attractive enough to “select me.” And that stacked onto everything formed the belief of being unlovable—and being unlovable meant I accepted scraps.
What joy I find in chipping away from those negative thoughts every single day—and know myself to know what I can offer, thus better understanding what I would like in a compassionate, loving, romantic relationship. I recognize this list may seem contrite to others, but this is a lesson in resisting the impulse to feel ashamed for desiring anything let alone relationship with others—or having expectations in those relationships.
I am still not moving with the intention to date or find partnership. I have found it so fun to engage and even flirt with people without the pressure or expectations of some specific end result. It has been a practice is considering myself first which allows me to move and connect with others with so much more authenticity.
I am not sure how long the No Dating Diaries will last—only because I know some of the internal work I have been doing I am eventually going to have to put into practice—to move with and through the emotions that come with connecting with other humans. But for now, it is so nice to gain more insight and understanding about how I am in relation to and with myself.
As long as I keep on moving…
P.S. Here’s a sexy fun crush vibes playlist for you!
I love this list, you are absolutely allowed to do this, and, from one MUNA fan to another, I hope you get all the flowers all the time 🌸💐✨
This was so stunning to read, thank you for sharing <3