The Framework: No Dating Diaries
The framework that influenced my decision for giving up on romantic partnership
Finding a romantic partner is luck based. People hate hearing that, but I want to open your mind to that reality.
Love does not care if you are ready or not. You can be actively working on your healing, claim to be healed and/or you can be completely down on your luck, incredibly reactive and traumatized—love in your life can show up. I have spent a lot of time believing that I have to actively work on my healing to be worthy of romantic partnership—and as shady as this may seem—there are many folks around me that have shown me that is not inherently true.
And it shouldn’t be. Existence is the only prerequisite for being worthy of any and all love that you seek in this world. But unfortunately that reiterates the truth that finding love is luck based.
Finding my “why” for giving up on romantic partnership
I found myself “white knuckling” my hope for romantic love. I did use my healing as a prerequisite for love. I used understanding my attachment style, getting an official CPTSD and PTSD diagnosis, having two therapists, and developing a somatic practice as part of my positioning to be “good enough.”
I was gripping to my hope so tight that I began to do things I hate, like signing up for and attempting to be active on dating apps. I hate, and I mean absolutely hate dating apps so very much. I don’t like how anyone presents on apps, myself included. I forced myself to be on them, with the hopes that they would increase my luck. Then I started to ask myself, “Why did I think I would find the person (or people!) I want in a way I absolutely loathe?”
I couldn’t even approach people, or comfortably engage with people I find attractive without feeling like a show pony. I felt so self conscious around people I am attracted to that being myself felt like a physical impossibility. I spent so much time being hyper aware of my body and presenting in a favorable way —that lead to ridiculous thoughts and expectations. It made flirting and just engaging so high stakes. I have enough social anxiety already, anything I can do to regulate myself is a net positive for me.
Wanting romantic partnership has poorly clouded myself perception.
All of my most negative thoughts about my appearance and the intensity of my Rejection Sensitivity as of late, have been deeply tied to my desire for romantic partnership. It’s not the only factor in this—as I stated previously I am doing deep work with healing the unfortunate central beliefs I developed from my childhood—but it is definitely a large piece of it. Moments of dysmorphia, dysphoria, disconnection, and physical discomfort are heightened by wanting to find someone to “want me.” I get so blinded by negative self thought I completely miss out on opportunities and peoples’ bids for connection.
The aim is less pressure and less expectations.
This is also me acknowledging my abandonment wound. I know it’s there for me, and I know it’s there for a lot of others. It’s less the fear of being abandon by others and realizing how easy it is for me to abandon myself.
I think being abandoned or left by others is an unavoidable reality of being a human. But I cannot express how upsetting it is when I abandon myself. My world feels drained of color and my threshold to make space for others, even people I love becomes virtually nonexistent.
Not showing up for myself, not affirming myself, not caring for myself is the worst abandonment of all.
The feeling of being unable to acknowledge my own needs internally—or ignoring them makes any rejection stronger, and often feels like the biggest leap back in progress. I keep abandoning myself in hopes someone else will want me. Even in the smallest ways like tampering down my personality, laughing quieter, swearing less, adapting my language. I would become…someone who is not me.
I am not sure if it’s fawning in a way—I will definitely ask my therapist (LOL). But I know that the looming pressures of hoping, expecting, desiring romantic connection triggers that response from me. So, my current solution has been removing it from the equation. If someone approaches me or reaches out in some capacity during this time, then I am not going to say no. But I am going to require really straightforward communication and intentions.
Everyone says relationships and relationship building is like working a muscle. So I am approaching this time as a workout targeting a very specific subset of muscles focusing on my connection with myself. I want to strength it more everyday. I believe the minutiae is truly where I will find my strength.
Learn more about rejection sensitivity here
This isn’t me shutting off or shutting down or being closed off from romantic love. I think I will have to reiterate that many times. My quitting =/= that.
I am simply letting go.
I am not seeking it in any capacity. I am not letting it make me do things like sign up for apps, decide the events I attend, influence what I wear, what I say, stop me from flirting, connecting, and engaging with others. It’s letting crushes and attractive move like water instead of drowning me.
Truly imagine tight fists with white knuckles finally unraveling, opening, and letting go—your hands open to give and receive.
That is my quitting. That is my letting go.
As long as I keep on moving…