must I always be unpacking?

sometimes a bitch wants to think like they fell out of a coconut tree

One thing about me is, I will take whatever thought, feeling, want I have in my life and absolutely apply it to the larger context of my life..society..what have you. I do not need you to do that for me. I have done it for both of us before the thoughts even left my mouth. But sometimes I wonder if I can just want things. Do I constantly have to be big brained about everything?

I don’t ask that question in an anti-intellectual way, god I have never once in my life thought I just fell out of a coconut tree.

I am so painfully aware of the context of every fucking thing, I hardly give myself enough time or space to feel desire or want.

So, must I? Must I parade around far removed from things like wanting to be desirable and attractive to the people I am attracted to? Should I feel bad for wishing people had crushes on me? That’s not something I experienced in my adolescence and according to the numbers, definitely don’t now. So is it wrong to want that? Must I always have these feelings—and then immediately force myself to unpack and examine what desirability even means, and the historical context, and the ways I have always existed outside of that, to then—shame myself for wanting it?

I have spoken a lot about not centering my life around finding a romantic partner, but rather just connecting with new people in general. And I will say it has created some incredible communities, ways of building, and budding friendships in my life. [omg I am giving you people pretext on my own god damn page like I have to explain myself!] I am endlessly grateful that I am moving this way. And also, when I spent the last week reflecting on the loss of loved ones I experienced for like five years in a row in the month of February—I couldn’t help but desire the comfort of an intimate partner to just sit beside me on the couch, maybe share some ice cream, maybe help wipe away a tear, warm the other side of my bed.

And initially I felt bad. My thought was, I should be able to cope with my feelings on my own. Hello? I have had to cope with my feelings on my own since birth. I pay people to help me develop tools to feels my feelings at all and how to cope with them in a healthy way. My next thought was, “you have friends, tell your friends.” I do tell my friends. One of the things I am most proud of is how I am no longer forcing myself to suffer in silence, especially in the last two years. And I love my people so endlessly— I think I say it every piece I write now, but they really mean the world and beyond to me.

The truth is, none of those things would have met the desire I had in that moment. What I wanted, was what I wanted.

☕

Should I feel bad for that? Must I give pretext, context, and subtext to everything I want as a way to justify or make my desire okay? To tell you, “I know these oppressive systems exist and have shaped so much of how I view partnership, desirability, attraction, intimacy etc etc yadda fucking god damn yadda.” Just in hopes you will know that I know. And for what? As a buffer? So we can “haha” after I tell you I would love a romantic partner? Do I have to always give the pretext that I don’t view platonic relationships and romantic relationships as dissimilar or inherently hierarchical, and also I don’t fuck my friends and don’t want to? And would like a relationship [for me romantic] in which I do get to fuck someone?

Even writing this—I at first felt bad realizing how many times I have mentioned or spent time writing about romantic partnership. I feel this impulse to show you that my whole life is not centered around that. To clarify what I mean when I say it’s not my main focus despite being something I often write about, and ya know what, I don’t fucking want to. Because I am allowed to want things. For the first time in my life I am loudly wanting.

And so to my initial ask— do I have to explain everything? That much? All the time? I don’t want to. And that might have to be my answer for now because I am tired of asking myself if it’s so bad to desire what I desire. I want to be hot. I want people to be into me. I want to flirt. I want to be seen, as I am, in my existence as desirable to the people I find desirable. I don’t think I have to be constantly unpacking that.

As long as I keep moving…

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