lessons in loving

no dating diaries: what I have learned since de-centering romantic love

I think it is important you go back and read the pieces from my No Dating Diaries before delving into this piece but I am happy to give a ;TLDR version.

• I stopped dating/making an attempt to date at all in October 2024

• I didn’t want dating to be my focus for meeting new people, trying new things, going to new places etc. last year

• It is a lot easier to de-center something you thought would never happen for you in the ways you hoped

• And yet it’s hard when you are use to clinging to control (for safety reasons)

[this one kind of scares me—but I am going to share it anyway]

---

I began my No Dating Diaries in October 2024. Six months of publicly declaring I am giving up on seeking romantic partnership. Initially, it felt important to grieve the idea that I may never find the long-term romantic partnership that I desire, and by letting that hope go I could refocus my energy on other things. Another large part was to conceptualize how single people are treated socially—even by their own friends because we largely value romantic love over anything else and that is the antithesis of community. And admittedly dating right now, even for lesbians, is miserable.

Everyone is so worried about appearing nonchalant, or detached and avoidant —we’d rather disconnect than sit in the discomfort. Well, I’d rather be alone than be put in a position where I have to convince someone of my worthiness simply because they’re scared. Life is scary, shit or get off the pot, ya know? Do it scared.

And I thought I would share some of the things I have done and learned since making my public declaration months ago.

What do I want?

Since my public declaration I have explored what I truly want in a partnership. Some of those things I have shared with you all like dreaming up attributes and qualities I would like and ways in which I want to be loved. Admittedly, these things were never something I explored in detail, I as most people do, just went off of feeling, but there is so much power in seeing your feelings and desires written down. Granted both pieces are nebulous, right? The superficial qualities I am seeking are just that, but knowing who I am and what I value in my community can help me seek the same in romantic scenarios—and I think it’s important to know those things and affirm them in some way.

Somethings are not hard and fast (looks + hobbies) and somethings are (values + ethics) and knowing what falls where is important!

Challenging myself to seek out connections

So often many of us get trapped in the loop of only doing new things and trying new things in the context of dating. You’re only meeting people for coffee with the purpose of dating, going to a new event in hopes of being approached, only saying “yes” with the sole purpose of a specific outcome. In this year alone I have gone to coffee with a new connection every single month. I have met new organizers, attended new events, learned about new spaces, and even deepened some connections I already made by realigning my focus.

I’ve seen more art, braved things alone, and—my life was already full of so much love and now it’s bursting at the seams—it over flows and washes over me in the moments that life is the hardest, and carries me through my day to day.

Taking stock of myself

…I think there is a lot of unlearning I will do forever, but the idea that I am not beautiful, gorgeous, hot and cute—wild. And that’s just what I look like, we haven’t even gotten into my best qualities! I am the embodiment of albeit fleeting, visual beauty, and the life-long, bones deep beauty of the world because I am a reflection of that love I mentioned—the one of people and community that is bursting at the seams.

I can feel the neurons connecting—new neuropathways forming— the back of my brain (my core beliefs) connecting with the truth I know now—it’s exciting and scary and I am so worth overcoming the fear of it all.

What is it like to want and desire while giving up control

I have crushed on multiple people since October— and have sustained (one), while others have transformed into beautiful platonic but intimate connections. I have experienced limerence and pulled myself out. I have felt the mounting anxiety of wanting to be wanted, desperately and given myself over to the possibility of a slow burn. I have believed they are out of my league, and allowed myself and others to challenge that frame of thinking. I have loosened my grip on my desire and leaned into authentic embodied connection of any kind, without the force of what I want being projected onto them or myself.

I’ve historically been so afraid of time when interested in someone—will I lose interest? Will they see me for who I really am and that will ensure they are never interested? Time has made me all the more curious. Time has shown me that I am earnest and wonderfully (albeit sometimes painfully) sincere in general, so who they have seen is exactly who I am with none of the pretense. Time has allowed me to reorient where my anxiety comes from—where it belongs and how to reestablish safety. Time has allowed me to be present in their presence, to take pleasure in the hope that maybe my desire is being matched and not to be devastated if not, to flirt and not wonder if they know—and accept that maybe they do and that’s okay!

Sometimes my crush makes the inside of my head feel like a freshly shaken snow globe—disorienting, volatile, beautiful, serene—isn’t that the best part after all? When the small speckles of glitter slowly dance to the bottom. In the moments where I feel shaken up—I lean on my friends. I allow myself the space to say, “What do I do? Should I do anything? Ugh. What does this mean?” And none of it feels like “They’re avoiding me. I am not good enough. This will never happen. I should speed this along so they don’t see too much of me.” That’s the exciting part—I feel safe and present. I can learn to let it linger.

And my desire remains

I went into this thinking I could control my hopes—that if I de-centered romantic interest, I would better connect with all I am and all that I have and I would see how wonderful my life is —and I wouldn’t want it anymore. I could reason my way out—if I say I don’t want it enough, then I won’t want it anymore. If I keep saying no, not right now, not ever, the desire would disappear.

That’s not the case even in the slightest. I have seen myself and my life for all that it is and I marvel at how expansive and wonderful it continues to be—the love, the complexities, the sadness and hardship, the pleasure and joy. I have never been so connected to my body, my feelings the ebbs and flows, the crashing waves. And I still desire the intimacy of a slow morning, physical intimacy, the care taking and quality time of romantic partnership.

I have never had a clearer vision of what I desire. And that I don’t have a plan. I don’t know anything beyond myself, my feelings, and beliefs. I believe in my ability to build loving and lasting connections because I have so many. I believe in my ability to be brave despite how terrifying connection can be—how vulnerable it leaves you.

I believe in my ability to check in with myself. I believe in my ability to compassionately and clearly communicate even when I am not at my best. I believe in my ability to receive care and love as much as giving, and I believe in the overflow of love in my life and my ability to share it. Share my love, not give it away, not sacrifice it or myself, but offer it for myself and someone else to hold together, to burst out of us like sunbeams.

Hope is powerful and terrifying

Hope has changed the world. Hope also leaves you open to being incredibly disappointed. Hoping scares me. But similarly to being earnest—I am not going to suddenly stop hoping because it’s scary. And I have hope the romantic intimacy I desire exists — and is closer than even I know.

And I will continue to decenter romantic connections. Decenter does not mean deny. Decenter does not mean to avoid my desire or feeling. Decenter does not mean saying no to myself. I will keep this path of not fiercely gripping my want for partnership because of all of the wonderful things it has brought to my life—the clarity and the connections are invaluable. And it’s okay. It’s okay to see all the good in my life and want to share it. It’s okay to want the quiet intimacy of someone knowing my quirks, holding my hand, kissing each knuckle…

And the biggest lesson of all for me is that it is okay to want. I want. I want things. I want. I yearn. I desire. I can say that and not recoil. I don’t have to “self love” myself out of wanting. They can co-exist. I want me, I want my life, and I want to share in that with someone else.

---

Instead of denying, I de-centered. Instead of denying, I dissected. Instead of attempting to discipline my mind into believing an untruth, I relinquish control to allow myself to feel and move through those feelings while not letting them control me, on either spectrum. [I am not going to become a super dater, and I am not “not” dating].

That’s the resolution for now. I want. I desire. I crush. I yearn. And my life does not have to revolve around denying myself any of it.

As long as I keep on moving…

📸 instagram selfbybee
📚 storygraph
🎧 spotify
💰 support my work