it's always how do you love, and never how do you want to be loved
a caregiver's plight
As an eldest, a person that facilitates space and a community, and a femme so often I am asked, “how do I love on my people/friends/community.” And I get it—especially as someone who does facilitate community building it’s important to know my core beliefs, how I move, and my intentions.
When people are looking to build relationship with me of any kind—it’s important to know how I may show up for them. It’s important to know if you will have reciprocity, if you will be cared for, and if someone is safe to build with.
But damn. No one ever asks me how I want to be loved, how I receive love or want to be cared for unless they are trying to f—.
So, this is a proclamation. As someone who historically and honestly impulsively fallen into the caretaker role, I want to be cared for. I want people to be curious about how to love and care for me. I want people to, if within their power, and without self sacrifice, show up for me and love me how I want to be loved.
Being loved for me is to be seen, to be considered, and to be thought of without fear. To see your words of love and/or desire align with your actions.
Here are some tangible and intangible ways to love me [🌹 is for more than friends]:
Sharing your favorite books with me and/or reading my favorite book
Anytime I receive a message saying, “hey I saw this and it made me think of you.”
Being forthcoming with compliments, if you like my outfit, tell me, if you think I look nice, tell me, if you think I look pretty, tell me.
“I stopped at xyz cafe before seeing you and got you a [insert my coffee order].”
Sharing songs and asking me what I am listening to lately, asking me to share with you
Going out of your way to make me laugh
Asking me if I have capacity to listen to you before you lay your troubles at my feet
Asking me if I want a solution or an ear when I am sharing my troubles with you
Supporting my work; even if you don’t “get it” even if you don’t love every piece
🌹 When you’re forthcoming with your desire, compliments, and praise
Suggesting introvert approved hang outs
Feeding me: driving me to the grocery store//offering to, literally cooking for me
Asking about my cat, Whitley
Buying me flowers; tangent—I am known for buying myself flowers weekly so I never wait for someone else, and my friends often give me flowers because they know how much they mean to me. No romantic partner has ever given me flowers, a flower, a flower giftcard like anything related to gd flowers…
“Hey I know you had a rough day, what can I do to lighten your load.”
Telling me you miss me, when you miss me
Inviting me to support your dreams, your art, your creations
Inviting me to celebrate you: birthdays, new jobs, milestones
Making me a playlist [but I will take that as a romantic proclamation if it’s just for me and not related to a concert/event] 🌹
🌹 A hand on the small of my back, resting on my knee, a forehead kiss, doing something subtle that makes it clear you want to be touching me at all times
Being steadfast in your love for me and love of me even when I am not around
Sharing this list is almost as scary as sharing what I would like in a future partner, but I truly believe being brave in this moment will open myself to accepting care and love from others. Wanting love and care and accepting them is often a large struggle for those of us who have been parentified, emotionally abandoned, and hyper -independent for as long as we can remember. Me. It’s a struggle for me.
I deserve reciprocity as much as the next person. I also deserve the space to understand how I would like people to show up for me. And part of me is really sad that I even have to write about this. That I have been so unconsidered a lot of my life. That I just learned these things about myself because thank goddess I have created a chosen family that loves on me.
I just hope, that with my words I have now written down, which to me are magic, that we all start to consider others and be more forwardly curious about those around you and how to love them.
Happy Valentine’s Day, xoxo May we all know, and practice love and reciprocity in the many shapes, styles, and iterations that appear in our lives.
🌹 A hand on the small of my back, resting on my knee, a forehead kiss, doing something subtle that makes it clear you want to be touching me at all times—- this, OMG this.