I who has always been me
Coming into being in the year of 2025
I am not unlearning to be a different version of myself I am unlearning to reveal the person I have always been.
I said that to my therapist a couple weeks ago and every week…every day is a confirmation of that truth.
I have always been this version of me, of myself. Things like community, love, and reciprocity have been seedlings in the deepest corners of my heart begging to bloom.
A me who can voice their needs in a way to not make demands, but to be heard—a me who can take the request of needs as bids for deeper connection, not requirements—as the only way someone will love me or want me—as asks that require self sacrifice. A me who can see conflict as a misstep, a miscommunication, an ask for better interpretation, clearer communication, and a space to realign, together. Something that is yes, frightening, but the kind, loving end result only draws you closer.
A me who does not believe in tit-for-tat or 50/50. A me who believes that if your cup is empty I will share some of mine, even if my cup is not 100% full. If I have it to give then share I will. You’re right I cannot pour from an empty cup —but why is your cup empty when I have something in mine?
I have always been this me. And I think this me seems big huge because this me has just begun to fully bloom.
I haven’t been writing lately because I have been living some of my heartfelt confessions and confusions in real time. But I think this is the best time to return to my writing.
Any therapist worth their salt will tell you —your relation wounds will require other people to heal and boy are they painfully and wonderfully (yes, both) correct.
Some of it feels like watching my own mind and body from a separate place. There are many ways I am witnessing my own healing in real time and it’s —a sight to behold. I’m not looking with new eyes, I’m looking with eyes that have better glasses..
Conflict. Resolution. Reconnection. Shame. Anxiety. Desire. Fear. Grief. Stumbling. Asking. Curiosity. Apologies. Wanting. Planning. Pacing. Resting. Laughing. Crying. Witnessing.
All in front of and with someone else. It’s exhilarating. It’s terrifying. It’s live giving. It’s embarrassing. It is the ultimate amalgamation. It is the most human thing.
I’ve talked often about how I’ve become a cry baby in the last few years—and I think it’s because I have been on this journey so deeply. I am close to a year of EMDR work. WORK. Real painful, juicy, life altering work.
There are so many things in my life right now that I look back and I’m disregulated because of their goodness. Of this life I’ve created. This me that continues to unfurl my petals—who can give and receive goodness and kindness.
Who can see my old patterns and not retreat into shame.
I see the me I have been. In fact, a ghost of my past blew into town recently and made me reflective of the me’s I have been. It’s not a shame free reflection but there is a kindness and an understanding I’ve never held. That is a mountain moving revelation.
This disconnected, disjointed piece is such a truthful expression of how I have been viewing myself lately—and I think I knew deep down I needed to write again to find the thread.
The thread is—I have never been this version of myself. And I’m in awe. And I’m terrified.
My deepest wounds that trigger some of my least desirable traits have been on display repeatedly in a range of relationships this last few weeks—and I am still learning my way through them to new, to better for myself.
And I am still worth the goodness. I am still worth my effort. And I am grateful for the life of kindness, patience, and grace I have created for myself and every person I surround myself with.